by Ron Siddell
Like fish swimming in water, we humans swim in a sea of
conflict. Fish (I think) do not know they are swimming in water. And like
fish, much of the time humans do not know they are swimming in conflict.
The very instant someone wants something from someone
else, conflict exits. This applies to all aspects of our lives, even when it
comes to our love relationships. It even applies when we want to give
something to someone else. There are no perfect matches between wanting and
getting, between giving and receiving.
If this is the case, and humans do, indeed, swim in a sea
of conflict, and can accept that idea, then perhaps we can begin to address
how we each contend with conflict. So, with this in mind, I am going to
borrow material from one of the modules of my Cooperative Workplaces� program. Here goes:
Conflict is a natural part of human interaction and is
neither good nor bad. All organizations experience conflict. Disagreements
and competition among rivals occur in every organization, from school and
family to businesses and teams.
Learning organizations try to learn from, rather than to
eliminate, conflict. Conflict can be a creative ingredient; a chance to learn
and create a positive energy that moves an organization strongly towards its
goals.
It appears to be more important how we view conflict than
the actual content of the conflict.�
Our attitudes, then, will strongly determine the outcomes. (Emphasis
on Attitude!)
A person�s history of conflict aversion can create
skepticism when one says that conflict can be positive. But in relationships
and organizations where conflict is dealt with effectively, the following
outcomes can be observed:
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Freedom to disagree
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Differences are explored rather than ignored
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People seek learning and feedback
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People who disagree express their thoughts, feelings
and wants to the parties involved, rather than a third party, indirectly.
The key is managing yourself in the midst of conflict, not
trying to change the other person.
The ways that individuals currently deal with conflict
have a great deal to do with their judgments and feelings about conflict
formed early in life. The more one understands how early beliefs were formed,
the more aware one can be in choosing to deal with conflict today.
So, let’s began by recalling specific early memories of
conflict in your family. Separate and think about your childhood years and
your teen years and think about the following questions:
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What were your parents or others doing?
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What did you do?
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What did your siblings do?
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How did you feel?
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What happened to you and what did you learn?
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Now, think about conflict today and consider the following
questions:
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How do you define conflict?
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How do you typically behave during conflict?
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How did you learn to behave with authority figures?
How do you behave with them now?
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How would you feel about yourself wanting something
that conflicts with what others want?
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How are you likely to treat peers and subordinates?
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What are your beliefs about conflict and
disagreements?
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What are your typical behaviors, feelings and wants
when conflict occurs?
Here are some questions to consider in your own
exploration of conflict:
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If you could change one attitude of yours regarding
the way you are in conflict, it would be?
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If you could change how you talk when in conflict, it
would be?
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If you could change what you typically talk about in
conflict, it would be?
In essence, what this model addresses is dealing with
conflict in the �pinch� stage as opposed to the �crunch� stage.
The Pinch Model explained:
All relationships begin with people gathering information
about another�s likes, dislikes, attitudes, opinions and expectations. As
people learn something about others� views of self and the world, they can
begin to relate as associates or friends. The goal for each is that behaviors
will become more predictable and uncertainty will be minimized.
Once expectations have been shared, people know
essentially what is expected of them, and what can be expected from others.
As roles are understood and accepted parties become committed to the relationships.
More important relationships will require agreement about more, and
important, expectations.
Mutual commitment to shared expectations results in
predictable behavior and stability in relationships. Energies can now be
directed toward work and being productive. That’s the good news.
UNFORTUNATELY, this does not last.
A pinch is a warning, like a blinking light on the
dashboard of a car, that something has changed in the relationship-usually
connected with the other�s behavior. It�s a warning of impending disruption
that usually comes only to one person, often just at the threshold of his or
her consciousness. Some people may not notice the warning. Others, wishing
for continued harmony, may choose to ignore it. Ironically, ignoring pinches
increases the likelihood more significant disruptions will follow.
Conditions for disruption are inevitable. Disruptions
occur because something outside the relationship has upset the relationship�s
expectations, or because one or both people are not acting according to the
agreed upon expectations. Disruptions are the product of unattended pinches,
and lead relationships to �Crunches.� Disruptions are the opportunity for
creative change to enter a relationship. But the anxiety, confusion and
resentment present now that the expectations are no longer in place are
de-motivators for change.
Where with a pinch only one person notices that
expectations have changed, at the crunch point both people know and react.
Crunches get dealt with in different ways:
The person feeling the pinch takes the
responsibility to share it, and raise the possibility of renegotiating
expectations. Because it precedes the disruption, planned renegotiations can
occur without the �fire� of a crunch.
A �hook� (some people might call this a �hot button�) is
an overly strong reaction to something someone has done or said.� If your reaction to any given person or
situation is stronger than what others seem to be having or what seems to be
appropriate, it is possible that you are hooked by something that occurred in
the past, more than what is going on in the present. Here, the idea of
self-awareness can be very important. Many of us are unaware of what hooks
us, and we react in ways that later we ask ourselves, �Why did I say that,�
or �Why did I act that way.� A big part of managing conflict is separating
our past from the present, so we can be sure that how we are responding in
the �now� is truly a response to what is actually happening in the �now.� You
might be surprised at how much conflict in the present has little or nothing
to do with what is actually happening in the present.
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Get in there! Do something. It’s better than doing
nothing.
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Stay open to learning. Be open to the possibility you
can learn from this.
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Be curious about the other�s perceptions.
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Listen, inquire and check your own expectations.
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Notice your evaluations of the other person. See how
they influence your desire to hear, and affect your interest in learning from
or being influenced by what she or he has to say.
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Listen to understand, not for opportunities to
refute.
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Accept that there may be other reasonable ways to
make sense of what is happening.
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Notice your impulse to blame and declare your
innocence.
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Do not focus on changing the other person. Commit to
changing the relationship. This can be tough, particularly when the changes
are not clear yet.
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Stay In! Pay attention to your impulse to dismiss the
other, cut off the conversation or flee.
Back to Student Pages
Swimming in a Sea of Conflict
Sharing Information and Negotiating Expectations
Role Clarity and Commitment
Stability and Productivity
Pinch
Disruption
Crunch
Exploring early experiences with conflict
The Pinch Model
A word about Hooks
Some Suggestions for Learning from Conflict
- Try
to return to the way things used to be; often the first instinct. If
done it will not last because the new information is not being admitted.
An example of this detour is when a wrangling couple goes back to the
site of their honeymoon to �recapture the excitement.� - Resentfully
terminate: Unfortunately, this is all too common. Without
renegotiations, disruptions become more intense. Physically leaving is
only one of the ways terminations occur. �There are fifty ways to leave
your lover,� or your co-worker, your boss, your company. - Renegotiate
under duress; this is the desired course, but tough to do because of the
high emotions (anxiety, resentment) present.
- Planned
Renegotiations (at the pinch stage with idea to avoid a crunch)